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WebOct 15, · Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Topics Self Help Collection opensource Language English. Self Help. Addeddate WebDOWNLOAD PDF NO MORE MR. NICE GUY! A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want In Love, Sex and Life Robert A. Glover, Ph.D. Copyright © by Robert A. Glover This WebOct 26, · Download No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover in PDF EPUB format complete free. Brief Summary of Book: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover WebNov 20, · Download No More Mr. Nice Guy: The Hero’s Journey by Michael Pariser in PDF EPUB format complete free. Brief Summary of Book: No More Mr. Nice Guy: WebMar 30, · No More Mr Nice Guy PDF Free is a popular Self Help Book written by Robert A. Glover. It was originally published on November 30, The book follows ... read more
Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel is published by Weber, Carl, Covington, Stephanie. The book is published on releasedate. You can read the No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel online with easy steps. But if you want to save it on your computer, you can now download No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel. Post a Comment. Wednesday, December 9, [PDF] Download No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel Book Free No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel has positive feedback from reader, below are most helpfull awards for your consideration Looking for No More Mr. Book Information : Rating : Author : Weber, Carl, Covington, Stephanie Format : PDF, Epub, Mobi, Audiobook, Kindle, etc Downloaded : files Reading : People File Download : No More Mr. pdf No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel tags: No More Mr.
Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel pdf read online, No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel Best Book, No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel Ebooks , No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel PDF , No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel Popular , No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Family Business Novel Read , No More Mr. Let me introduce you to a few more. Omar Omar's number one goal in life is to please his girlfriend. Nevertheless, she complains that he is never emotionally available for her. In fact, every one of his previous girlfriends has had the same complaint. Since Omar sees himself as such a giver, he can't understand these accusations. Omar states that his greatest joy in life is making other people happy. He even carries a pager so his friends can get in touch with him if they need anything. Todd Todd prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect.
He believes these traits set him apart from other men and should attract women to him. Though he has many female friends, he rarely dates. The women he knows tell him what a great listener he is and often call him to share their problems. He likes feeling needed. These female friends constantly tell him what a great "catch" he will make for some lucky woman. In spite of the way he treats women, he can't understand why they all seem to be attracted to jerks, rather than Nice Guys like him. Bill Bill is the person to whom everyone turns when they need something.
The word "no" just isn't in his vocabulary. He fixes cars for women at his church. He coaches his son's little league baseball team. His buddies call on him when they need help moving. He looks after his widowed mother every evening after work. Even though it makes him feel good to give to others, he never seems to get as much as he gives. Gary Gary's wife has frequent rage attacks in which she verbally shames and demeans him. Because he is afraid of conflict and doesn't want to rock the boat, Gary will avoid bringing up subjects that he knows might make his wife angry. After a fight, he is always the first one to apologize. He cannot recall his wife ever saying she was sorry for any of her behaviors. In spite of the constant conflict, Gary says he loves his wife and would do anything to please her. Rick Rick, a gay man in his early forties, is in a committed relationship with an alcoholic. Rick came to counseling to help his partner Jay with his drinking problem. Rick complains that it always feels as if it is up to him to hold everything together.
His hope is that if he can help Jay get sober, he will finally have the kind of relationship he has always wanted. Lyle Lyle, a devout Christian, tries to do everything right. He teaches Sunday school and is an elder in his church. Nevertheless, he has struggled since adolescence with an addiction to pornography. Lyle masturbates compulsively, often three to four times a day. He spends hours every day looking at sexually explicit websites on the internet. He is terrified that if anyone ever finds out the truth about his sexual compulsions, his life will be destroyed. He tries to control his problem with prayer and Bible study, although neither of these approaches has done much good. Jose Jose, a business consultant in his late thirties, has spent the last five years in a relationship with a woman he considers needy and dependent. Jose began thinking about breaking up the day she first moved in.
He is afraid that his girlfriend wouldn't be able to make it on her own if he left her. Although he has made several aborted attempts to break up, his girlfriend always becomes such an "emotional basket case" that he gets back together with her. Jose spends just about every waking moment trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship without hurting his girlfriend or looking like a jerk. Who Are These Men? Though all of these men are unique, each shares a common life script: They all believe that if they are "good" and do everything "right," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves their mistakes, needs, emotions and become what they believe others want them to be generous, helpful, peaceful, etc. Up to now we haven't paid much attention to the Nice Guy, but he is everywhere. He is the relative who lets his wife run the show. He is the buddy who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. He is the guy who frustrates his wife or girlfriend because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.
He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. He is the dependable guy at church or the club who will never say "no," but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him. He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all. Characteristics of Nice Guys Every Nice Guy is unique, but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a script, often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number. Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others.
These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them. Nice Guys fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation usually without being asked. Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone's approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women. Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone. Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.
Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things. Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong. Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel. Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be degrees different from Dad. Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends. Nice Guys frequently seek the approval of women and convince themselves they are different from other men.
They like to believe that they are not selfish, angry, or abusive — traits they link to "other" men. Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others' needs ahead of their own. Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships. What's Wrong With Being A Nice Guy? We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms.
Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern. Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all ask, "What is wrong with being a Nice Guy? By giving these men the label Nice Guy, I'm not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "nice," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life. The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys: Nice Guys are dishonest.
These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys are secretive. Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, "If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary or intern because he never put his penis in her vagina.
Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met. Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them. Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc.
Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return. Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again. Nice Guys are full of rage. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times. Nice Guys are addictive. Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain.
Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness. Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying "no," "stop," or "I'm going to. Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them. Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy's childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises. Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration.
Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem. It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be "projects" or "diamonds in the rough. Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn't either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction can't get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly , or has sexually acted out through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc. Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I've met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential. Many women have told me that upon initially meeting these men, they believed the same to be true.
Because he seemed different from other men they had been with, the Nice Guy seemed like a real catch. Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into Nice Guys' lives and personal relationships. As a result, these men tend to swing back and forth between being nice and not-sonice. I have listened to countless wives, partners and girlfriends describe the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde qualities of Nice Guys: "He can be really wonderful and he can also hurt me deeply. He'll do all the extra little things like picking up the kids and fixing dinner when I have to put in extra hours at work. But then out of the blue, he'll throw a tantrum about me never being sexually available to him. But they don't know what he can really be like. He's always helping people out with their car or something else that needs fixing. When I ask him to do something he tells me that he can never make me happy and that I'm nagging and controlling like his mother.
He will do anything for me except really be there for me. He'll go shopping with me even though I know he doesn't want to. The whole time he will just sulk, which makes me miserable. I wish he would just tell me 'no' sometimes. He'll just keep it in and it will build like a pressure cooker. I won't have a clue that anything is bothering him. And then out of the blue, he'll explode and we'll end up in a big fight. If he would just tell me when he is upset about something, it would make it a lot easier. He thinks that if I just did everything his way, it would solve all my problems. He always tells me I dwell on the negative and that he can never make me happy. All I really want is for him to listen to me. Five years into our marriage I found out that he was addicted to pornography and peep shows. I was devastated. I never even had a clue. therapy group, Gil, a pleasant man in his early fifties revealed that his wife was supportive of his joining a group.
Nevertheless, he harbored a secret fear that she would be angry at what the name of the group seemed to imply — "How to stop being a Nice Guy and become an S. Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome isn't about going from one extreme to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn't involve becoming "not nice. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side. He likes himself just as he is. He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met. He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.
He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient. He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about. He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings. He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving. He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict. An integrated male doesn't strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others. Instead he accepts himself just as he is, warts and all. An integrated male accepts that he is perfectly imperfect. Making the transformation from a Nice Guy to an integrated male doesn't come about by just trying harder to be a good man. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome demands embracing a totally different way of viewing oneself and the world, a complete change in one's personal paradigm. Let me explain. Paradigms A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life's journey. Everyone uses these road maps and everyone assumes the map they are using is up-to-date and accurate.
Paradigms often operate at an unconscious level, yet they determine to a large degree our attitudes and behaviors. They serve as a filter through which we process life experiences. Data that does not fit our paradigm is screened out, never reaching our conscious mind. Information that does fit our paradigm is magnified by the process, and adds even greater support for that particular way of believing. Paradigms, like road maps, can be great tools for speeding us along on our journey. Unfortunately, if they are outdated or inaccurate, they can send us in the wrong direction or fruitlessly driving around the same old neighborhood. When this happens we often keep trying harder to find our desired destination while feeling more and more frustrated.
Even though an individual following an inaccurate or outdated paradigm may think his behavior makes perfect sense, those around him may wonder what he could possibly be thinking to make him act the way he does. Most paradigms are developed when we are young, naïve, and relatively powerless. They are often based on the inaccurate interpretations of childhood experiences. Since they are often unconscious, they are rarely evaluated or updated. Perhaps most significantly, they are assumed to be percent accurate — even when they are not. Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder. Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination is to hang on to belief systems that have proven to be consistently unworkable, yet are so embedded in their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy.
It is difficult for Nice Guys to consider doing something different, even when what they are doing isn't working. Jason, whose sexual difficulties with his wife, Heather, were introduced at the beginning of the chapter, is a good example of the frustration that can result from an ineffective Nice Guy paradigm. Jason had a controlling, perfectionist father who put unrealistic demands on Jason and his siblings. His father believed there was one right way to do everything — his way. Jason's mother was an emotionally dependent woman who lived through her children. When his mother was needy, she would smother her kids. When the children had needs, she was often too emotionally distressed to respond. Believing that if he was never a moment's problem, he would get love and approval.
Believing that if he hid his mistakes, no one would ever get mad at him. As a child, Jason was too naive and powerless to realize that no matter what he did, he would never live up his father's expectations. Similarly, no matter how giving he was, his needy mother would never be available to nurture him. He could not see that there really was no way to do everything right. And regardless of how well he believed he hid his flaws or mistakes, people might still get angry at him. Even when his childhood road map failed to take him in the desired direction, the only option he could see was to just keep trying harder doing more of the same. The only thing his paradigm ever really did was to create a distraction from his feelings of fear, worthlessness, and inadequacy. In adulthood, Jason tried to apply his childhood paradigm to his relationship with his wife.
Like his mother, his wife was only attentive when she was emotionally needy. Like his father, she could be critical and controlling. By applying his childhood road map to his marriage — trying to do everything right, being attentive and nurturing, never being a moment's problem, hiding his mistakes — Jason created an illusion that he could get his wife to approve of him all the time, be sexually available whenever he wanted, and never get mad at him. His defective paradigm prevented him from seeing that no matter what he did, his wife would still at times be cold, critical, and unavailable, and that maybe he needed her to be that way. Even when his paradigm was just as ineffective in adulthood as it was in childhood, Jason's only option seemed to be to just keep trying harder. Doing Something Different One of my all time favorite Seinfeld episodes is the one where George decided to change his life by acting the opposite of how he would have typically behaved.
Ironically, by doing everything the opposite, he gets a beautiful girlfriend and a job with the Yankees. While doing everything the opposite may not be the answer for breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, doing some things different is. Over the last several years, I have watched countless men "do something different" by applying the principles contained in this book. These men have transformed themselves from resentful, frustrated, helpless Nice Guys into assertive, empowered, and happy individuals. Just like George on the Seinfeld show, when Nice Guys decide to make a change, interesting things begin to happen. Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools. Stop seeking the approval of others. Make their needs a priority. Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs. Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached. Face their fears. Develop integrity and honesty.
Set boundaries. Build meaningful relationships with men. Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women. Experience and express their feelings. Deal with problems directly. Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship. Find peace with the changing complexities of life. Asking For Help Nice Guys believe they should be able do everything on their own. They have a difficult time asking for help and try to hide any signs of imperfection or weakness. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves reversing this pattern. Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one's self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to begin this process with a therapist, therapy group, step group, a religious leader, or close friend.
Since Nice Guys tend to seek out the approval of women, I strongly encourage them to begin this process with men. For some Nice Guys, the concept of "safe men" may seem like an oxymoron, but I highly recommend it anyway. I have been leading men's therapy groups for recovering Nice Guys for several years. Some of the most significant aspects of my own recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome even before I knew what it was occurred in the context of step groups and therapy groups. Even though I am sure it is possible to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most effective tool I know for facilitating the recovery process. Breaking Free Activities If you recognize yourself or someone you love in what you have read so far, read on.
This book presents a practical and effective guide for breaking free from the negative effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome. This program has worked for countless men and it can work for you or a loved one. To help facilitate this process, I present numerous Breaking Free activities throughout the book. These Breaking Free activities serve to facilitate the paradigm shift that is necessary for recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. They will not only help recovering Nice Guys understand where their paradigms came from, but will help replace them with more accurate and up-to-date ones. These assignments will also point recovering Nice Guys in a direction that will help them start doing things differently.
Breaking Free: Activity 1 Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information.
If you have access to the internet you can search for step groups or support groups. Caution Before you decide to apply the principles presented in this book, I must first warn you about two things. The first is that the program of recovery presented in No More Mr. is not just a few good ideas to try on for size. It represents a challenge to everything Nice Guys believe about what they must do to be loved, get their needs met, and keep their world calm. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves a radical change in perspective and behavior. Trying to do it halfway will only result in needless suffering. Second, breaking free from the Nice Guy syndrome will significantly effect your personal relationships. If you are currently in a relationship, I encourage you to ask your partner to read this book along with you. The program of recovery presented in No More Mr. will significantly affect not only you, but also those closest to you.
Though your partner may be supportive of you making positive changes, they may also initially frighten him or her. Reading this book together can help facilitate this transition. With these warnings aside, if what you have read so far makes sense, keep reading. The following chapters contain information that can help you break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start getting what you want in love and life. Breaking Free Activity 2 Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so?
Why do people try to change who they really are? Chapter The Making Of A Nice Guy I concluded the previous chapter with the question, "Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages from their families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be who they were, just as they were.
So how did Nice Guys receive these messages and why did they respond to them in the way that they did? The following is a short course on how families and society turn perfect little boys into men who believe they have to be "good" in order to be loved. Coping With Abandonment The most impressionable time in an individual's life is from birth to about five years. In these first few years a child's personality is most significantly influenced by his surroundings. It is during this time that his paradigms begin to be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually a child's parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our examination of the origins of the Nice Guy Syndrome. There are two important facts we must understand about children.
First, when children come into the world they are totally helpless. They are dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs in a timely, judicious manner. As a result of this dependency, every child's greatest fear is abandonment. To children, abandonment means death. Second, children are ego-centered. This means that they inherently believe they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them. These two factors — their fear of abandonment and their ego-centeredness — create a very powerful dynamic for all children. Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. He cries and no one holds him. He is lonely and no one pays attention to him. A parent gets angry at him.
A parent neglects him. A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him. A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs. A parent shames him. A parent hits him. A parent doesn't want him. A parent leaves him and doesn't come back in a timely manner. Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect family, every child has abandonment experiences. Even though their belief that they are the cause of these painful events is, in fact, an inaccurate interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand the world. Toxic Shame These abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of them, creates a belief in some young children that it is not acceptable for them to be who they are, just as they are. They conclude that there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their lives to abandon them. They have no way of comprehending that their abandonment experiences are not caused by something about them, but by the people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs.
This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological state called toxic shame. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad. Survival Mechanisms As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1 Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned. Children find a multitude of creative ways to try to accomplish these three goals. Since their insight, experience, and resources are limited, these survival mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes, seemingly illogical. For instance, a child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure to attract his parent's attention in a negative way.
Even though it may seem illogical for a child to do something that invites painful or negative attention, the consequences of the behavior may not feel as bad as feeling lonely or isolated. Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of many possible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and the internalization of toxic shame. The Origin Of The Nice Guy Paradigm When I first began exploring my own Nice Guy attitudes and behaviors I had no idea how all the pieces fit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good family and had lived a pretty good life. When I began observing other men with traits similar to my own, I encountered the same general lack of insight into the origins of their own emotional and behavioral patterns. When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect," "great," "Leave It To Beaver," or "All-American" families.
Nevertheless, these men learned to hide their flaws and tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their circumstances were less than ideal. Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different childhood experiences. They are all unique in the way that their Nice Guy scripts are played out in their adult lives. In spite of these differences, they all developed a core belief in childhood that they were not OK just as they were. As a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived flaws.
All of these men believed that these life strategies were necessary if they were to have any hope of being loved, getting their needs met, and having a problem-free life. Alan The oldest of three children in a single parent family, Alan prided himself on having never caused his mother a moment's pain. As a child, he performed well in sports and school. He believed that these things set him apart from his siblings and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a college degree, another factor he believed made him special. Alan's father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was seven.
At an early age, Alan made a decision to be degrees different from his father. As a result, he prided himself on being patient, giving, and even-keeled. Alan worked hard to never be angry or demeaning like his father. He was an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did drugs as a teenager. Alan's mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that preached hell-fire and brimstone. He came to believe that he was a "sinner" for having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors. Though he always worked hard to be a good Christian, he lived with a constant fear that he might make a mistake and suffer everlasting punishment. Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her children.
She would listen and wasn't critical. Frequently, she and Alan would commiserate with each other about all the "bad" things his dad did. On more than one occasion, Alan's mother told him that she was trying to raise her sons to be different from their father. She wanted them to grow up to be giving, peaceful, and respectful of women. As an adult, Alan still stays in close touch with his mother and does whatever he can to help make her life easier. Jason Jason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a "Leave It To Beaver" family. In reality, both of Jason's parents lived through their children. Though he saw his childhood as "ideal", in actuality, his parents used him and his siblings to meet their own needs. Jason believed his parents were "perfect.
He acknowledged that he was sheltered and sexually naive and admitted that he might have been smothered by his parents. Jason's father closely directed the family. Jason reported that his father still tried to control Jason's life. Jason shared a chiropractic practice with his father who ran the business and told Jason what house he should buy, what car to drive, and what church he should attend. Jason described his mother as a "wonderful, loving woman. With no friends of her own, she turned to her children for companionship and affirmation of her worth. Jason couldn't remember his parents showing much affection to each other. He couldn't picture them having sex, and wondered how they made three kids. Even though they did lots of things with the children, he couldn't remember them ever going out or taking a vacation just by themselves.
As an adult, Jason tried to live up to the image of perfection portrayed by his parents. Everything he did was calculated to look good: he looked like a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, and a good professional. In spite of all his efforts, he always felt inadequate and defective compared to his parents. Jose A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships. Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was physically active and his idea of recreation was taking a hundred-mile bike ride or climbing a mountain. He repressed his anger and tried to never say anything that would upset anyone. He saw himself as controlling and acknowledged that his drug of choice was "recognition.
He found it interesting that he seemed to be attracted to incest survivors. He stayed in his present relationship because he was concerned about the financial welfare of his girlfriend. He was afraid she wouldn't make it if he left. Jose openly acknowledged that he came from a dysfunctional family. He was the second of seven children in a lower class family. At around the age of 14, he took on the role of parenting his younger siblings. Jose reported that there was tremendous chaos in his family and he saw his job as protecting his brothers and sisters from its effects. Jose saw his father as angry, controlling, and abusive. He was explosive and demeaning to the boys and sexually abusive to the girls.
Jose's mother was manic-depressive. She had extreme mood swings and had a difficult time staying on her medication. When she was manic, the house would be spotless, she would talk of entertaining politicians and socialites, and she would begin destructive sexual relationships. When she was depressed, she kept the windows covered, the house became a wreck, and she would threaten to kill herself. When he was 15, Jose had to break through a locked door and take a loaded gun away from his mother. She had been threatening suicide while all seven kids stood by terrified. Jose saw this as a typical scenario growing up in his home. Jose worked hard all of his life to be different from his family. His family had him on a pedestal and he was the one to whom everyone turned whenever they had a problem. His job as a family member was fixing chaos. His job as a business consultant was fixing chaos. His role in relationships was fixing chaos.
Jose's life script required chaos, because without it, he would be out of a job. Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve problems his "saving grace. Without them, he was convinced, he would have ended up just like his parents and the rest of siblings. Child Development Alan, Jason and Jose all had very different childhood experiences, yet all developed a similar script that guided their lives. Each, in various ways, internalized a belief that they were not OK just as they were and their survival depended on becoming something different. To help us connect the dots and see how three very different childhood experiences could create three men with very similar life paradigms, it might be helpful to do a quick review of the child development principles presented earlier in this chapter.
From Perfect Little Boys To Nice Guys The principles above can be applied to the childhood experiences of Alan, Jason, Jose, and every other Nice Guy described in this book. The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: Abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms. Abandonment Like all Nice Guys, Alan, Jason, and Jose were abandoned in various ways: Alan and Jose had an angry or critical parent who communicated that they were not OK just as they were. Alan worshipped his mother, but she would not intervene when his father lashed out at Alan. This implied that he wasn't worth protecting. Alan came to believe that he had to be different from his father to be seen as a good man and be loved by his mother. Alan and Jason were used and objectified by their parents. They were valued for always doing it "right" and never being a problem.
This communicated that they were only lovable when they lived up to their parent's expectations. Since Jason believed his parents were "perfect" he always felt flawed and inadequate compared to them. Neither of Jose's parents provided any guidance, nurturing, or support. This communicated that he was of little or no value to them. Alan and Jason grew up in fundamentalist churches that reinforced a need to be perfect and sinless. Failure to do so meant everlasting punishment. Jose believed he was valuable only if he was different from his crazy family. All three — Alan, Jason, and Jose — believed that someone else's needs were more important than their own — a common occurrence in Nice Guy families.
All of these experiences represented a form of abandonment because they communicated to these little boys that they were not OK just as they were. Shame Regardless of whether they were abused, abandoned, neglected, shamed, used, smothered, controlled, or objectified, all Nice Guys internalized the same belief — it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to be just who they were. Some of these messages were communicated overtly by parents who had no concern for the child's welfare. Some were communicated indirectly by caring parents who themselves were too young, overwhelmed, or distracted to provide a nurturing environment for their child. At times, these messages were communicated by circumstances that were beyond anyone's control. In every situation, the child believed these events and circumstances were telling a story about him. He believed there was something about him that caused these things to happen.
Mom gets that look on her face. Dad left and didn't come back. Mom has to do everything for me. Dad yells at me. I'm not perfect like Mom and Dad. I can't make Mom happy. Mom needs me. I don't make any mistakes. I make good grades. I'm happy. I'm not like my brother. I don't cause anyone any problems. I make Mom and Dad happy. Survival Mechanisms As a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate interpretation of these events, all Nice Guys developed survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1 Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment experiences. It is this paradigm, formed in childhood, that guides and controls everything Nice Guys do in their adult lives. Even though it is based on faulty interpretations of childhood events, it is the only road map these men have.
Nice Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should arrive at their desired location — a smooth, happy life. Even though this life script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying harder, doing more of the same, hoping for different results. Two Kinds Of Nice Guys The survival mechanisms that Nice Guys develop to deal with their abandonment experiences and internalized toxic shame are usually manifested in one of two ways. In one form, a Nice Guy exaggerates his belief about his "not OK-ness" and believes he is the worst kind of person.
I call this man the "I'm so bad" Nice Guy. The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows and getting whippings as a little boy. He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager. He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult. He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice. The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness. He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable.
As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "t". This Nice Guy has tucked his core belief about his "not OK-ness" into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person. Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious awareness of their toxic shame, both operate from the same life paradigm. All Nice Guys believe they are not OK just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws and become what they believe other people want them to be.
I make the distinction between the two kinds of Nice Guys to help both see their distortions. Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood. Breaking Free Activity 3 It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived flaws and seek approval from others. I don't believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script.
Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn't OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script. The Baby Boom Generation And The Sensitive Guy Every child who has ever lived has experienced various forms of abandonment.
There are many ways in which children can interpret and respond to these events. As stated above, becoming a Nice Guy is just one of many possible reactions. The childhood experiences described above are probably not sufficient in just themselves, however, to account for the multitude of Nice Guys I encounter regularly. I have no doubt that Nice Guys have always existed. There have always been Marvin Milquetoast and Walter Mitty kinds of guys out there. I'm sure there has never been a shortage of mama's boys and henpecked husbands. I believe many little boys are born with a peaceful, generous temperament and grow up to be peaceful, generous men. But after years of working with countless men, I am convinced that a unique combination of social dynamics over the last five decades has produced a plethora of Nice Guys in historically unprecedented numbers.
To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century and accelerated following World War II.
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Experience and express their feelings. Top American Libraries Canadian Libraries Universal Library Project Gutenberg Children's Library Biodiversity Heritage Library Books by Language Additional Collections. It represents a challenge to everything Nice Guys believe about what they must do to be loved, get their needs met, and keep their world calm. Turning The Tables If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered. He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality. Part of the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things if any he does wrong.
Never offending anyone. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. is unashamedly pro-male. Additional resources for recovering Nice Guys are available at www. Skip to primary navigation Skip to main content Home Authors Robert A. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his no more mr nice guy ebook download pdf side. He believed there was something about him that caused these things to happen.
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